No More Mr. Nice Guy, Robert A. Glover, PhD

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I’ll admit that I characterized this book as dubious without reading a single page. The title, “No More Mr. Nice Guy”, is unapologetically sappy. The subtitle “A proven plan for getting what you want in love, sex, and life” is unremarkable in the sense that it reads like almost every other self-help book promise. Even the cover photo of a man in a suit looking furious doesn’t bode well for a serious reader.

But, I’ll also admit that this book is much more useful and insightful than I imagined. There are brief activities that force one to reflect on himself and his actions. There are genuine testimonies from many men who have been in his therapy groups. Moreover, in the first few pages of the book, the reader is advised to involve himself in the book to be more than just a distant reader.

In his work, Glover doesn’t make any ridiculous claims or try to complicate rather simple topics. He argues that many men in today’s society are spineless, too nice, unhappy, and unsatisfied with their lives. Why? A few reasons. Many men of today’s generation had sub-par parents and fathers that were unavailable during the lives of their sons – “men [became] disconnected from other men in general and confused as to what it meant to be male.” Furthermore, many boys were raised by women, and so they have lost their masculine identity and energy and have been taught to please women since they are the extension of their moms – “The job of turning boys into men was left to mothers and a school system dominated by women. As a result, men become comfortable being defined by women and became dependent on the approval of women.” Finally, Glover states, “After spending years examining the Nice Guy Syndrome from every possible angle, there is only one answer to this question [‘Why would it seem rational for a person to try to eliminate or hide certain things about himself and try to become something different unless there was a compelling reason for him to do so?’) that makes sense: because it does not feel safe or acceptable for a boy or man to be just who he is.”

Of Nice Guys, he writes, “Though all of these men are unique, each shares a common life script: They all believe that if they are ‘good’ and do everything ‘right’ they will be loved, get their needs met,and have a problem-free life.” Therefore, Nice Guys have these characteristics: “they are givers, they fix and caretake, they seek approval from others, they avoid conflict, they believe they must hide their perceived flaws and mistakes, they seek the “right” way to do things, they repress their feelings, they often try to be different from their fathers, they are often more comfortable relating to women than to men, they have difficulty making their needs a priority, and they often make their partner their emotional center.” While these qualities aren’t necessarily bad, they also aren’t the only qualities shared by Nice Guy. Nice Guys also have these characteristics: “They are dishonest, they are secretive, they are compartmentalized, they are manipulative, they are controlling, they give to get, they are passive-aggressive, they are full of rage, they are addictive, they having difficulty setting boundaries, they are frequently isolated, they are often attracted to people and situations that need fixing, and they have problems in intimate relationships.” Essentially, many men today lack the qualities of a strong, principled, and honorable male.

Glover testimonies include stories of miserable guys who, in his support groups, admit that they embody some or all of these traits. They let people walk over them. They do not pay attention to their needs. They try to please everyone. They avoid confrontation. They settle on sub-par options. A Nice Guy, to be concise, does not live up to his potential and becomes a person that few people seriously respect.

So what traits does a healthy, successful man possess? Glover defines the Integrated (Healthy) Male as a man like this: “He has a strong sense of self. He likes himself just as he is. He takes responsibility for getting his own needs met. He is comfortable with his masculinity and his sexuality. He has integrity. He does what is right, not what is expedient. He is a leader. He is willing to provide for and protect those he cares about. He is clear, direct, and expressive of his feelings. He can be nurturing and giving without caretaking or problem-solving. He knows how to set boundaries and is not afraid to work through conflict.” The testimonies from Nice Guys include depictions of the men’s transformations after committing themselves to principles such as those mentioned above and the resulting success reaped from these character metamorphoses.

Additionally, one of the most beneficial elements of his book is his inclusion of brief activities to get the reader to reflect upon himself and think of ways to change his self-defeating ways. For example, Activity 5 reads: “Consider this: If you did not care what people thought of you, how would you live you life differently? If you were not concerned with getting the approval of women, how would your relationships without the opposite sex be different?” A second example requests: “Make a list of positive affirmations about yourself. Write them on note cards and place them where you will see them regularly. Change the cards often so they stay fresh. When you read affirmations, close your eyes and fully embrace the meaning of the words. Observe any tendency of your mind to reject the affirmations in favor of old, deeply held beliefs.” These short breaks in the texts allow the reader to digest Glover’s words and enmesh them into the reader’s psyche.

However, Glover’s book is certainly not beyond criticism. One of the good-and-bad aspects of his book is his repetition of the messages he proclaims. While this cyclical style can reinforce a key theme, it can also bore and frustrate the reader – can’t the author think of something else to say? I think a limb of this critique is the lack of a definitive structure – even though Glover uses many page breaks and titles, the sections of the book blend together and appear like a conversations in the sense that the ideas are not always well-organized and thematically-situated.

Secondly, Glover has a tendency to create definitions that can be oddly-named, poorly-construed, or unnecessarily-marked. One example is of an unnecessarily-marked definition is “personal power” which he delineates as “a state of mind in which a person is confidence he can handle whatever may come.”  An example of oddly-named and poorly-construed definition is “Memory Fear” which is a fear “recorded at the cellular level” which “originated in not having their needs met in a timely, judicious manner” and was “fostered by fearful systems that discouraged risk and rewarded conservatism.” Glover, when referring to a Nice Guy that becomes “overly involved in an intimate relationship at the expense of one’s self and other outside interests”, brands such men as “table dogs” because they are like little dogs who hover around their partner “just in case she happens to drop him a scrap of sexual interest, a scrap of her time, a scrap of a good mood, or a scrap of her attention.” These definitions can be interpreted as 1) blatant efforts to credibly personalize and standardize his work and advice as being original 2) deviant and unnecessary creations of an oblivious author.

However, at my completion of the book, I decided that it was well-worth a serious glance by the majority of men I know. Glover names a real problem, characterizes that problem, personifies that problem, and provides solutions to address that problem. While it’s not the best-written book in terms of literary design and ingenuity, No More Mr. Nice Guy is abundant with reflective activities and keen advice for the modern man so he can take control of his life and learn to flourish as respected and admired person in society.